did you know that when a cat is euthanised their eyes dont close? they stay wide open for some time. it's kind of freaky if you aren't prepared for it. but i was, i've put down sabin, tofu and now enzo.
one of our cats died tuesday. i should clarify that by saying we put him down. the sadness is seemingly unbearable. it comes in waves. falling to sleep is the worse. when it is quiet there is nothing but time to think about enzo and the events that led us to his death. but this is a family show, right folks?
once we knew what we were going to do and that it was going to have to happen in short order, we made the decision to get S from school so he would have the opportunity to say goodbye (or not). when we arrived at school S was up at bat. he saw us and was happy to have us watch. he got his turn (a triple!) and then we called him over. we explained that we were there early to see if he wanted to come home and say goodbye to enzo, that as he knows enzo is sick and we are going to help him die. or i said something like that, im not sure of the details. i don't know if i can't recall what i said exactly because it was a pretty stressful moment for me or because i'd rather not think that i screwed that exchange up. i mean what do you say?! how do you not project all that you are going through?!
to my surprise S said yes, he wanted to come home and we assured him he'd go back to school shortly. he yelled to his mates "save my place!" and we got in the car.
on the way home we stopped at the bodega to get enzo a can of tuna and milk, his favorites. and of course S wanted a treat too. his was in the form of a tri-colored ice cream sandwich. i'm glad we made that stop cause when we got home enzo perked up at the sound of the tin can opening… and the fishy smell. but again, conflicted about not screwing this up for S, i wondered if it was bad to connect skipping out of school and getting ice cream with a pet's death. that modern parental angst never turns off does it?
S quickly forgot why we were home in the middle of the day so he went straight to his room to play. we gently refocused the purpose of getting him from school mid-day and all sat in the living room with enzo. trying to stay as hands-off as possible we offered S to say anything to, or connect with enzo at this time. S shrugged. he looked a mix of confused, sad and being not all that interested. he was at a loss for words and began to squirm in his seat. we knew that was enough. he said goodbye to enzo from across the room as we walked to the car to return getting him back to the regularly scheduled program.
the rest of our afternoon was devastating. there is a mobile vet in town and she came to our house to euthanize enzo. we could determine if she was to administer the anesthetics and lethal cocktails over time or more quickly. and true to our personalities, D wanted the slow version, I wanted a quicker one. we ended up with the medium to slow. it was painfully slow, even D agreed, that it was emotionally harsh to draw it out for an hour or so. BUT in hind sight, the whole thing was very unthreatening for enzo, and intellectually i thought it a good experience to marinate in death a little bit. its never been this close to me. as i said, i've put other pets down in my lifetime, but it was more clinical and detached, at a vets office, or after a long drawn out illness where i had emotionally checked out months or weeks earlier.
back to the kid. at pick-up S and i went for a treat, this time for me. we sat silently enjoying each other's company and sugar delivery devices. on the ride home i asked him how he was doing without enzo. there was that shrug again. but then he added, i think that annick (enzo's sister, our other cat) is lucky. "all the love we had for enzo we can now give to her". and the next day, today, when i checked in with him he said "i dunno. i don't see him, so i don't miss him". thats sounds rough through my adult filter, but i can see with both comments, that in his child-like honesty is subtle wisdom.
that's S's first experience with death. and mine as a parent wanting to expose a pets death to my son in a healthy manner. all of that on top of my own mourning process. talk about multi-tasking.
tonight, as D and i are getting a little distance on the past few day's events, we are better understanding what deciding to put our cat down means for us. we summed it up that enzo is not gone, our relationship with him has changed. that makes sense to us. and it's kind of beautiful. something i bet that would come out of a 6 y/os mouth.
