momtourage

the best advice

Here’s the top 5 best pieces of advice that I’ve received in recent years:

On marriage:
1. I asked my in-laws what their secret was for having a harmonious relationship of over 45 years. My father-in-law admitted that they try to place themselves in the other person’s shoes, and make an effort to understand what the other person is feeling.

On childbirth:
2. Before I was pregnant, a friend, with a toddler, told me her labor (horror) story. She said that NOTHING went according to her birthing plan, and at one point, they thought that they would lose the baby. She ended up having a C-section and she and the baby survived the birth, but for a long time, she felt guilty and disappointed in herself with the way things happened. She told me that no matter how I have the baby, through surgery or vaginally, with or without drugs, the most important thing was that the baby (and mom) was healthy and not to feel bad if things don’t unfold as one had hoped.

On parenting:
3. Two of my friends (married to each other) had a son about eight months before my son was born. They had read lots of books, but wisely told me that in the end, you have to do what feels right for you. Of course, I probably didn’t know what felt right until the second baby came along...

On laundry:
4a. A mother of a close friend taught us to pre-soak garments soiled w/ blood in MILK before washing them. It really helps!
4b. This will seem like a commercial but another friend got me to try Oxy-clean, and I’m now a satisfied customer. I soaked Mr G’s baby clothes yellowed with breastmilk in water and Oxy for hours, and sure enough, they became white again. A miracle!

On making iced tea:
5. I owe thanks to Yogamom for brilliant this suggestion. To make iced tea, just add a teabag to a jug of water, and chill in the fridge. Hours later, presto: cold tea.

moms behaving badly

OK, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not perfect. Especially when it comes to being a mom, I know I’ve had my moments...but I just witnessed something today that left me thinking, Is this woman for real?

We were at a kids’ store where they do story-time on Tuesday mornings (both the kids are out of school AND out of camp, so going to the mall seemed like a good idea). There were lots of toddlers and preschoolers, so it got pretty crowded. When the saleswoman paused during her reading, a mother reprimanded her 2-3 year old son for misbehaving. As her son turned to look at her (with big eyes questioning her), she shouted, “Are you giving me a dirty look? Do you want a time-out?”

I was thinking to myself: Do toddlers know how to give dirty looks?

kid code

I was trying to put together a list of things that kids do that clue you into what they’re possibly feeling or trying to communicate indirectly, and need your help to compile the list. I myself have had to learn to understand that usually the way a child is behaving may not (really) be attributed to the localized situation or ostensible cause, but rather, is a reaction to something else in his/her life. For instance...

1. When a child is throwing a tantrum or is over-hyper during the day, it’s not (just) because he didn’t get his way, but because he’s had too much sugar.

2. When a child is throwing a tantrum or overly sensitive in the evening, it means that he’s too tired.

3. If a child bites another child, he may have been provoked by the other child, but there may also be additional stress in his life that he is having a hard time coping with.

Can you suggest other examples?

O is for Olympics

I’m not a big sports fan, but I’ve always enjoyed watching the Olympics. I admire the athletes who work hard to be the best.

I’m always surprised however, to hear that a competitor began training at age three or so. Like the Romanian or Chinese female gymnasts who are selected from their daycare (did someone see them jumping on the couch and think that she was destined for glory?) Or that a parent or coach envisioned the day...that his/her child would be a champion (think of Michael Phelps or Serena and Venus Williams)?

I watched Michael Phelps break a world record in swimming and win (yet) another gold medal, and then express his disappointment in himself because he knew he could be faster. And after the women’s gymnastics team settled for the silver medal, I read that one of the gymnasts commented that, “you don’t work hard for a silver.” So does this mean that good isn’t good enough? Is there too much emphasis on excelling? Are parents to blame for high expectations?

I’ll never forget when I witnessed a father coaching his preschooler how to ride a swing: “Push...pull...push...pull” the Dad said to his son as he swung back and forth. ”And sometimes people say, ‘wheeeee!’”

politics of parenting

When is the right time for a drop-off playdate?

When Mr G was younger, I chose all his friends (they were conveniently spawn of my friends), but now that my son is nearly six, he’s starting to make his own friends and wanting to have playdates with them. This means, that
a. I have to meet the boy and his parents somehow during school drop-off or pick-up
b. Get their 411 and arrange a time/place
c. Be there and be social w/ the parent OR arrange for a drop-off

The easiest thing to do would be to invite son over for a drop-off playdate, but knowing my son, he prefers visiting friends’ homes (where there are likely to be toys that he doesn’t have at home, and probably toys that his friend has been bragging about in school). This complicates things as I have to (awkwardly) be friendly to strangers and try to suggest an invitation. So sadly for him, it usually means no playdate.

He has had drop-off playdates in the past, but they were both initiated by other moms, which came as a surprise to me. One preschool mom suggested that she pick Mr G up with her own son and take them both home. I would think that she was baby-sitting him, but having a friend kept her own son busy, so she was able to get things done while they were playing together. (I have noticed that kids who are in class together often play well since they’ve had practice at school taking turns and parallel playing.) The second time, a different preschool mom suggested the playdate, but mentioned that she was sick, so could she just drop off her son at our home for an hour or so? (I admit that I was astonished that she was able to suggest that we take her son off her hands for a brief time, but how could I say “no”?)

Both times were successful because my son had a playmate, and I didn’t have to entertain a parent that I barely knew. I would gladly have these more often, but both of these families are in Brooklyn, so no chance of a repeat there. In Austin, it’s all unknown territory...I’m not sure if/when the other parent is ready to drop off her child with a stranger, or to baby-sit someone else for free, and I don’t have the guts to ask, so I guess I’m still meeting up with my friends, hoping that our kids get along. (That’s another complication, because if our kids like each other, it means that I’ll see that friend more often. If they happen to have girls, however, I rarely get to see them.)

Any suggestions?

BEAM summer camp

The closest experience I had to summer camp was Outdoor Education in elementary school: essentially a long weekend in the mountains during the winter. We hiked, learned about nature, sang songs, square-danced, star-gazed, and had a great time. I will never forget it.

Another friend, Brian Cohen, crediting his summer camp experience for inspiring his career in music, had a dream of starting a camp of his own. About five years ago, he left his job at Sony Music and founded Beam Camp. A father of three kids, he wanted the camp to have a creative twist: campers would collaborate to create original works of art or installations. Some of these projects are shown here: left, Beam Fleet, seven all wood vehicles that were equal parts kinetic sculptures, simple machines and rolling canvases (concept by Steve Gerberich and Nathaniel Lieb); below, a giant Nexus Canopy, a 45’ x 36’ structure of wood and movable canvas walls conceived by Fabian Jabro; bottom, a Macro/Micro domes designed by Caitlin Berrigan.

It began modestly with about 24 kids, and now has tripled, without the benefit of any advertising. This year Beam Camp secured a new location on Parker Mountain in Strafford, New Hampshire. I was able to recently visit the camp and see the renovation of formerly forgotten buildings (the campsite hadn’t been used for about four years), and the completion of new bunk cabins, a wood-shop, and lavatory, among others.

First of all, I am inspired by Brian’s can-do attitude. When I see all the “before” photos and the “after” in person, I cannot believe what they accomplished in a such a short amount of time. The colorful projects that the campers built in the past now decorate their new home and I’m not only excited to see what they will create in the future, but I can’t wait till my kids are old enough to participate. It’s an amazing gift that Brian has given to his children and others who are fortunate to attend this innovative camp.

ps. to get a glimpse of this year’s BEAM project, go to jungletopia.blogspot.com

summer vacation

When I was a kid, summer vacation meant going to the library for the children’s book club and visiting the bookmobile when it parked in our neighborhood. At home, I would try to see how quickly I could read my selections (how geeky was I?) The vacation was simply not going school, and having lots of idle time.

Looking back, our family never took trips together (unless you count the trips to the mall). Now that I’m older, I can see that the cost of travel can be prohibitive for a family of four. My father believed that children are too young to appreciate traveling, and therefore, not worth the expense. I think he was wrong...I know that my kids don’t really care whether we’re in Italy or Nebraska—just that we’re spending time together, and I do think that they absorb culture and expand their horizons by seeing and experiencing new things (even if it is just realizing that gelato = ice cream).

My husband has fond memories of visiting the English seaside with his family, and taking walks in the countryside. I think that that has instilled in him a love of nature, and we still always try to seek it out, no matter where we are. Hopefully we’re passing along those traditions to our boys, too.

Thanks to my momtourage

When my first son was born, my childhood friend (and mother of two teen-aged daughters) came to stay with us for a week to help with our newborn. She spoiled us by cooking, cleaning, helping with the baby, and keeping us company. I didn't realize how much I relied on her until she left.

People had warned us that having a baby was hard work, but it's really impossible to know what it's like until one experiences it for oneself. I had always worked as my husband did, so it was strange to fall into these old-fashioned roles of homemaker and breadwinner. I found myself resenting the fact that he could still wake up and shower and go to work, while I stayed home with the baby. It wasn't an equal partnership anymore; I disliked having to do more household chores, but since I wasn't earning money, I felt that I had to contribute somehow. It was difficult for me to adjust to motherhood and caring for a newborn.

Many of the parenting guides that I had read pointed out that traditionally, women in a tribe or village helped each other raise the children in their community. We were fortunate to be living in a family-friendly village of Brooklyn, with several friends becoming parents around the same time. I don't know how I would have survived those early days without the friendship and support from my momtourage. There's nothing comparable to the camaraderie one shares with other parents. It has been a pleasure to watch our kids grow up together and become playmates, too.

A good friend once told me how she fantasized that one day we would all have kids, and they could all play together and be friends too. At the time, I never wanted kids, so I thought she was crazy. Twenty years later, with kids about the same age, I can appreciate her forethought.

Italian Architecture

Here’s a little reprieve from the normal plights of parenting...boring travel photos! My favorite thing about our trip to Italy was walking around and gazing at all the buildings. I loved all the craftsmanship of the doors, ironwork, glass, and the unusual details.

traveling with tots

While we were in Venice, we had a bit of a scare...Mr G (who is 5) woke up with his eyes and face very puffy. At first, I thought his features were swollen due to lack of sleep or tiredness, but he insisted that he wasn’t tired, and that his face “felt silly.” His ears and cheeks were pink and warm, and he said he felt a little itchy. My husband thought that he had some kind of allergic reaction.

We asked the hotel if they could recommend a doctor for us, and they actually called someone to come. (I didn’t realize that he would be making a house/hotel call and showed up after breakfast.) I tried to tell him that we suspected it was an allergic reaction, but he replied, “NO, please, he is HOT,” as he touched Mr G’s cheeks. He took his temperature twice, but the result was normal each time. Then he left to get some medication from a local farmacia: a thermometer and a fever relieving syrup similar to Children’s Tylenol. Apparently, the doctor was convinced that Mr G would have a temperature, and that I should re-check it in a half hour. I mentioned once more that Mr G felt itchy, so he wrote down an antihistamine for me.

With two tired kids and one stroller, I tried to carry the two year old around while pushing the other, looking for a bank and farmacia, but quickly gave up, as it was hot, and we didn’t have much luck with the directions. Short 150 Euros from the doctor visit, I was disappointed, annoyed, and frustrated (I felt even worse when I learned that if I had gone to a hospital, it would have been FREE). We waited in the hotel lobby for my husband to return from a class field-trip with his university students. When I looked at Mr G, he just didn’t resemble the son that I knew, and I felt helpless because I was in a foreign place, didn’t speak the language, and was unsatisfied with the doctor’s prognosis.

It was still too early to call our doctor at home in the USA, but a friend resourcefully looked up doctors online through the American Embassy, and found another doctor in Venice specializing in allergies. We gave Mr G some Zirtek, and he improved over the next 36 hours.

In the future, I think I may bring a little First Aid Kit with some Benadryl, Children’s Tylenol, aspirin, Neosporin, and Band-aids. It’s not fun being sick, and when it happens while on vacation, it can definitely add more stress to the trip.