momtourage

Busy

After a busy day at work and back-to-back student conferences, I was ready for a nice, relaxing evening on the couch. However, as I stirred cumin into a large batch of chili, I realized that the day was nowhere near ready to wind down - in fact, I had to be out the door in 45 minutes to teach my knitting class! Gulp. How could I have misplaced that thought from my mind?

As I dashed out the door I once again pondered my natural state - complete satisfaction found in silence with a book. It's not that I don't like getting out, or talking to people, or doing things in the evening. It's just that I have  hard time motivating myself to do so. But as usually happens, once I found myself walking down 3rd Street I felt a jolt of energy and excitement. What projects would people choose? How many would be there? Would there be anyone I knew from previous classes? All regerets over a missed nesting night immediately fled.

And it was a great class. The 1 1/2 hours flew by. As I expected, the most popular knit was Alexandra Brinck's Fishtail Wristwarmers. There were old faces and new. Rows were pulled out and started again. Progress was made. And always, interesting conversation and new things learned kept the evening lively. I am looking forward to the next class.

Back At It

I haven't mentioned it yet, but I am back at work. Regular work as in I get up and pack a lunch and go to an office at set hours on set days of the week. Last year I was dreading the inevitable return to gainful employment (in a sort of 'the devil you know' manner). What a waste of time and needless worry, because I find that I am really enjoying being back out there.

A list of unexpected pluses:

• I thought I was happy spending endless days in a row wearing jeans and a stained t-shirt but I find that I enjoy wearing the 'professional' outfits stuffed at the back of the closet.
• I enjoy dropping the kids off at school more now that I am not doing it every single day.
• I am thinking of good story ideas during my 35 minute walk to and from work.
• I feel thrifty and noble when I am eating my home packed lunch.
• The paycheck. Yes I did know that I would enjoy this part but it is an unbelievable rush to deposit that thing and speculate about what to do with it, even when I know that 90% will be going towards food and bills.
• I am lucky enough to have a job with flexible hours, so I can still pick the kids up after school.
• I am more organized in my home duties, now that there are no more endlessly unstructured hours.
• I can still volunteer at the school one day a week and even go on a few field trips.
• I enjoy what I do and feel as if I'm helping people by doing it. And how can you argue with that?

Just Can't Win

Aargh. I told myself that I would not be such a slave to email/the internet this summer and I have been doing a very fine job of it thus far, thank you very much. But this vow was most terribly timed in that it has resulted in my missing out on picking up an extra shift at work  (a yearlong shift no less!) plus a one-off substitution thingy. So of course I have been scared back online. 

Maybe I can just leave the computer on and knit something, refreshing the screen every so often. Maybe I can arrange family read-alouds to be held in close vicinity to said screen where the same refreshing option can be subtly accomplished. Maybe I can utilize that standing mixer more and dash over for frequent email checks. That must be what all those other teachers who got the jump on me are doing.

Sigh.

readjusting

This week has been one of lots of readjustment. A year and a half ago I was a SAHM who freelanced while my husband went off to his office job. A year ago O was in school two days a week and my husband and I had full-time office jobs. Suring that time O was in school five days a week and we reached a level of comfort with our new lifestyle. This past winter that all changed. J was laid off in Jauary and I was laid off in February. We both freelanced from home and made it work. O seemed most bothered by that turn of events. She missed aftercare at school. She didn't understand that we no longer went to Manhattan for work. This past week, I threw a wrench in it all again: I went back to work full time in an office while J stays home freelancing and picking O up from school.

I think that I am having the hardest time of it. Letting go of so much control is hard for me. I'm trying to balance the things I want to do with the things I have time for. It's hard. How to balance living the life I want to lead while fulfilling what we need in order to get by here. We need the steady income, the health insurance. We need family time. I need to feel connected to my family and not as though I'm the loud, barking director trying to get everything done.

Things I know I need to do: accept less freelance and start my yoga practice again. I'm going to work on it.

Strange week

It's been a strange week here. O woke with pink eye on Tuesday. We kept her home Tuesday and Wednesday. We noticed she had a rash, but attributed it to allergies. Thursday she was wheezing so off to the ER for us! Turns out she has Reactive Airway Disease, which is a scary term for allergy/virus-induced bad breathing. It's not technically asthma, and it's the first time, so it's all kind of dodgy. She had a hit from the nebulizer, some benadryl for the rash and we were finally home by 12:30. Yes, I mean after midnight. So, we now have an inhaler for her. We had to use it twice Friday and once each Saturday and Sunday. I had the same thing as a child, and J has asthma now, so it's no surprise. She's such a champ about it all as well. The rash is somehow attributed to allergies and the bad breathing.

I amazed myself with my calm and cool demeanor while at the hospital. In the face of crisis or adversity, I'm the kind of person you want around. I'm clear headed, concise, and patient. Once crisis is averted, problem solved, I fall apart. This time is no different. Poor O, I keep huddling close to her to listen for wheezing. I'll get used to it soon. I hope.

In other news I applied for a job two weeks ago. The second since being laid off almost three months ago. The time line goes something like this: Apply for job April 21; get email from HR for interview April 22; go on interview April 28; get job offer May 1! I once again join the ranks of office workers on May 18th. The same day we're supposed to hear if O "won the lottery" and gets to go to public Pre-K in the fall.

I need a nap.

hand shadows

ACE Hotel, a new boutique hotel in New York, commissioned me to contribute two paintings for one of the rooms. Since I do quite a few instructional drawings for books, they suggested that I do one of knitting and one on hand shadows. I thought I’d share the latter, since it’s something fun to show your kids at bedtime.

Since this was created large, it’s difficult to see the captions; from left to right starting with the top row: captured goose, deer, swan, squirrel, deer, eagle, bunny, pig, cockatoo, kangaroo, elephant.

Work Woes

I know that it's almost a year away and that I shouldn't even think, let alone worry, about it yet. But I am already nervous about going back to a 'regular job.' I have been home for almost six years, and while taking care of a household and two rowdy boys demands much time, energy, and organization, I feel completely of out of touch with the world of offices, memos, and morning meetings - a world that I successfully (if not always happily) inhabited for many years before becoming a stay-at-home mom.

Alas, next year my 'baby' will be 5 years old, entering a full day Kindergarten program. And it has been a struggle financially for me to stay at home. There is always lots of budget-juggling going on. On top of that, I had my kids in my mid-30s and was used to and proud of supporting myself. 

The first few years I was at home I was doing well with writing knitting books, but as of last year that source of income dried up. (Apparently my niche - fast and easy knits - is over-done and lacks marketability at the present time.) It galls me when I have to ask my husband for money, and I have to do it more and more as the royalties dwindle to a figure approaching zero. My self-esteem is definitely tied to my earning power - for better or for worse. A good friend of mine goes to work and spends her entire paycheck on child care, partially due to this. I chose not to do that, but now I am wondering if I made a big mistake.

Additionally, I am worried about juggling work and the many, many school commitments that will be expected of me as the parent of a Kindergarten and a First Grade student. Between Family Fridays, Me Museum days, Halloween parades, and the many volunteer opportunities that need to be filled (by someone!) to help make the school so outstanding, I will end up spending a lot of time over there anyway.

And then there are the sick days. The kids always want me when they are sick and my husband doesn't have the kind of job where he can just take off random days and stay at home.

Aargh! Does it sound like I'm talking myself into just one more year at home because I am afraid of going back to work or because of the logistics? The fact of the matter is that financially, I don't even have a choice. So work outside the home it is! I remind myself that I have been very lucky to stay at home for the amount of time that I have. Participating in every aspect of my sons' day-to-day life has been, and continues to be, an amazing gift.  And September 2009 is still quite a way away.

my other job

I often recall how my parents would tell me to stop messing around and to do my homework when they saw me drawing. "I am doing my homework," was my reply.

My Asian parents did not value art. Athletics was a waste of time too. Only academics was king, and unless you were going to be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer, you weren't worth bragging about to the relatives.

Fortunately for me, the high school I attended stressed the importance of finding an occupation that matched one's interests and aptitudes, and that encouraged me to defy my parents.

Today, I design and illustrate non-fiction books. I've been working on a book that I wish had come out when I first became a parent, Baby by the Numbers: A parent’s quick reference for essential baby facts and figures by Richela Fabian Morgan (to be published by Chronicle Books). It covers subjects such as early milestones, introducing solid foods, breast milk storage, sleeping philosophies, and emergency procedures (infant CPR and the Heimlich maneuver). It's like the Cliff Notes of baby books.