The Martyr Complex – A Need For Validation

A “Martyr Complex” is a trait most of us seldom recognize in ourselves and are offended when the term is applied to us. This complex describes a behavior that is selfless to the point of consistently denying one’s own needs and desires to put others’ needs first, or to acquiesce to someone in a situation where both of you desire the same thing. One feels noble and self-sacrificing and in some way, however trivial, conveys this feeling to the recipient of the good deed.

Women in general and mothers more than fathers, tend to suffer from this complex. Mothers, by nature, are givers. They will put their children’s needs before their own and this behavior often extends to husbands, parents and friends. For this reason, I shall use the pronoun “she” in this article.

It is kind, generous and nurturing to deny oneself in order to enable the goals of others in certain situations. It is NOT a martyr complex when you are generous with both time and material possessions, but when this type of behaviour is dependent on constant validation and verbalized appreciation it is perceived as a martyr complex by loved ones and friends alike.

Those of us who are labeled with this complex are also extremely sensitive to any type of constructive criticism at any level. If a boss or, (God forbid), co-worker casually remarks on some aspect of our performance or behaviour in the work environment, the martyr cannot treat a relatively harmless statement as such and move on. She perceives constructive criticism as a personal attack and allows a feeling of unfairness to gnaw at her until she ultimately seeks the reassurance of others that she has been unjustly criticized. Quite often, as well, she cannot rest until the guilty party is made aware, usually with a sarcastic remark or misplaced humor that she has been wounded far more than what is normal. The criticism of a loved one or good friend is almost a mortal blow and festers like an infected wound until we have relentlessly and needlessly made the guilty party aware of how deeply we have been hurt and receive some type of assertion that we are, in fact, still loved and respected. We are usually intelligent, humorous and quick-witted. Our humor is often self-disparaging (another tactic that invokes validation that we are liked by those we seek to please).

It is my opinion that the martyr complex often goes hand in hand with a deeply ingrained need to please others, probably formed in childhood and carried into adulthood. Low self-esteem and self-worth are character traits that have developed over a long period of time and can only be satisfied by constant validation from others that one is worthy of love, admiration and affection. Feeling good about oneself is a direct result of what others think of us. We know this is fundamentally damaging and self-defeating, but no amount of positive reinforcement seems to expunge deep feelings of insecurity and lack of self-worth. It is really unfortunate that those of us branded as martyrs or victims do not know how to change this behaviour. We know how others perceive us because loved ones and close friends will often tell us that we are chronic martyrs when we think we are just being kind and thoughtful. Being kind, thoughtful and generous are lovely character traits admired and respected by others. These traits are not the problem – it is the need for constant validation and appreciation of our kindness, thoughtful deeds and generosity that invokes disdain and mild irritation on the part of others.

With all of the self-help tools available today, one would think that recognizing this martyr complex (and that it negates in most minds whatever good we have done), we would use all of the tools at our disposal to actively work on changing this behavior. We do not like this perception of us and we don’t think we deserve it. Unfortunately, our need for acceptance, verbal appreciation and validation are every bit as strong as the natural instinct to be selfless with those we love.

I have no expertise on this matter to speak of. I can only write about what I know of my own nature with its strengths and weaknesses. The next time you roll your eyes in exasperation at a friend or loved one who has done something nice for you and then cannot let you forget it (I’m not THAT bad), just remember that below the genuinely kind and loving exterior is a deep-rooted sense of needing to please to prove worthiness of your love, respect and admiration.

For some reason, regardless of how genuine the good deed, with absolutely no expectation of anything in return, there will be moments when the need to be verbally appreciated and validated will surface because that need is inherent in her basic nature.

Canon980 S Class

Spiral Stairs

English Toffee

Making english toffee is (like my spiral quilts) an endeavor with results that seem really extravagant, though the actual process is quite simple.  (There, I knew I could find a way to relate this to quilting!)  So here, for your holiday pleasure, is my family recipe for english toffee.  It’s a wonderful treat for yourself, and an impressive (and inexpensive) gift for family, friends, colleagues and clients.

English toffee

The Spiromandalas Blog

How to Confront a Liar – The Simple Guide

As the case may be for majority of individuals, I do not think you like someone lying to you. Concisely, some person’s lies cause our activities very hard to carry on. The method used to confront a liar is referred to as false fact contribution. I will tell you how you can use the false fact contribution to confront a liar, just read on to learn it.

The difficulty majority of persons who believe that they are being lied to encounter, aside from discovering the fact, is confronting the individual or group who has been swindling them. This is actually a crafty social position. Let’s say, if there is a possibility that they were not untruthful? Or supposing they were lying but will not accept it but rather they prefer to subterfuge by refusing to be delusory? A lot of questions and doubtfulness causes taking up a prevaricator and extricating their lies a hard mission for most persons to accomplish. Luckily, there exist stuffs which you can utilize to enable you to win when you confront a liar. I will talk about a method most persons utilize to initially and subtly get extra, difficult cogent evidence of a person’s lies, and then apply it by boldly facing the lair. This will make you not to feel negative about it or even make them to reject that there were behind it, you know why? This is because the proof is basically too powerful and maledicting. It is referred to as false fact contribution.

It is a discreet espial method. It is the preferred method of most competent natural lie detectors used to confront liars. This is as result of its great extent of effectualness and dependability. It requires the addition of a fabricated truth of your own which is similar to their alleged lie, uttered out to be the truth in order to arouse a telling reply from them which you can apply as an evaluation of their dependability. An illustration of what I really mean follows: assuming your spouse visited the theatre with someone, but you’ve got a creeping feeling that you are not being told the truth. As soon as they come back to the house, simply tell them “hi” in a cool and calm manner.

When you must have had eye to eye strike with them, utter that you overheard something on the radio that a huge traffic swarm accident in front of the movie theatre and enquire from her whether it caused them any difficulty at the time they wanted to go. At this time, assuming your spouse is lying, they will be in a might cunning state. Their mind will begin to tell them, should they accept with the thing you told them, taking it to be the fact, and articulate that they witnessed the scene of the unfortunate mishap and came out safe or should they take a chance of articulating that there did not see anything? The means to utilize the false fact contribution method depends in getting the concept you make use to be a thing they can’t possibly neglect. It implies that you will induce a saying reply from them. They will either create an acknowledgment to it or consequently disclose their knavery. Or if they really went to the theatre, they will tell you the fact that they did not see anything. At this point, you must have sweep through the full thing and say that you misheard the name of the street on the radio or some stuffs within the lines.

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Spiral Stairs

What’s Wrong With Polypropylene Or Olefin Area Rugs?

As I browsed a popular chain-store not long ago, I noticed that area rugs have made a dramatic shift in composition compared to a few short years ago. Since my livelihood is based on having an intimate knowledge of the flooring products that I suggest to my clients, I always read labels… especially on deals that seem to good to be true. And as I browsed through the offering of area rugs in the chain-store, I noticed that almost all the rugs were made of polypropylene or it’s very close cousin, olefin. I am a firm believer in consumers being well informed and getting a good value for their money. So I seek here to give a fair comparison of this fiber against what is clearly a better fiber for your interior home decor needs.

Let me start out with the good qualities of polypropylene and olefin. This fiber is a fairly strong man-made fiber that is well suited to mats and runners that may be used at entrances or patios or even outdoors, if properly treated for UV protection. In the past you would almost always find this type of fiber in a low profile, very tight loop style rug, and that is what it is best suited for. Many light to medium duty commercial carpets are made of this fiber (always in loop form). This fiber is usually extruded to the color that it will be (not dyed after extrusion), so it tends to hold it’s color well and can be used in intricate designs. This fiber is also resistant to most types of stains, and cleans up well (in tight loop form). Many manufacturers of area rugs choose this fiber because it is cheaper than other fibers and they can pass the savings on to the consumer.

Now let me point out the not so good qualities of this fiber. This fiber is a man-made synthetic fiber that is petroleum based (not very “green” or environmentally friendly. Although it is a good indoor-outdoor type of fiber in tight looped form, it is basically useless in any other form. In a cut-pile or plush rug it has a bad reputation of matting and crushing very quickly, so even though the fiber is not wearing out, it begins to look very ugly pretty fast. Although it holds color well and resists many types of stains, it tends to hang on to stains that are oily or greasy (even the body oils from the bottom of your feet and your pet’s feet). In other words, it does not clean that well in a cut pile or plush style. So basically, if manufactured in anything other than tightly looped form, you end up with a brightly colored, greasy, oily, matted and crushed rug that looks like it has been there for years instead of months. Lastly, since it is the cheapest fiber that manufacturers use, it is not the greatest value. I have also noticed a shift in the major brand name rug and carpet manufacturers, they are also using polypropylene and olefin in their latest generation of area rugs, so just because it may have a good brand name it does not mean you will get a good quality area rug. If you want a cheap, disposable mat or runner that will end up in a landfill sooner than later, then this is the rug to buy. If you are going to buy a synthetic fiber area rug, at least make certain it is nylon or man-made silk. It will wear better and last longer.

If you need a Fine Quality Area Rug for interior design or home decor, the absolute best fibers are silk and wool. Silk costs more and requires professional maintenance, so that leaves us with wool. Wool is a natural fiber that has better resistance to matting, crushing, fading and is a natural for built in stain protection (you can spray a fine mist of stain-protector straight from the can for even greater protection). It does not soil as easily as other fibers, and will not mat and crush for many, many years. Some wool rugs are even passed down from one generation to another; if well maintained. Wool area rugs are not that much more money than a nylon rug (as a machine made product. Hand-made will cost you more). Value per dollar is greatly increased by choosing a timeless pattern with wool fiber.

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Spiral Stairs

How to Hang Curtains

Lets start right at the beginning:

Step ladders: Make sure you have a steady pair of steps not to short so you over reach. Your arms will drop of before you have taken your first lesson in how to hang curtains. Not to tall that you cannot reach the window comfortably without leaning out to the side to hang curtains throwing you off balance.

Curtain hooks for standard pencil pleat curtain tape

Curtain hooks Again make sure before you start that you have enough of the right kind of curtain hooks

Light curtains will be fine with standard plastic hooks.

Medium weight curtains use nylon hooks, stronger than plastic. They will flex without breaking.

Heavy curtains use metal nickel hooks, they are bit fiddly to handle they all stick together the box. Just like the Chinese puzzles I had as a child.

Curtain hooks for bucram headed curtains

You will need what are called “pin hooks” simply because they have a sharp pin which pierces through the fabric and bucram  on the back of the curtain header. This kind of heading makes for the best looking curtains. As always the best all ways costs that bit more.

An extra pair of hands

When you are learning how to hang curtains large or heavy it is very useful to have someone standing at ground level holding the curtain taking the weight. This enables you to hang the curtain onto your track or rod with ease.

How many hooks will you need?

Well for curtains with standard pencil pleat tape you will need a hook every 4th pocket.

For bucram headed curtains you will need 1 for every pleat or goblet and one for each end.

Preparing your bucram headed curtains prior to hanging.

The good news other than putting in the pin hooks setting them down 1/2 inch from the top of your curtain. there is no more prepping to do. You just have to learn how to hang curtains and dress them properly.

prepping your pencil pleat curtains prior to hanging:

Standard pencil pleat curtains to start you will need to gather the tape on the top of your curtains. You do this by pulling out the 3 cords in the back of the curtain tape. To start pull the cords out of both ends of the curtain tape and tie them together in a firm knot.

There are 2 reasons for this

1. It stops you pulling the cords completely out of the tape (not a good start when learning how to hang curtains).

2. It keeps the cords together on the end that you pull the cords out to gather your curtain.

Then continue to pull the cords out. Simple tip on gathering your curtains. Take one set of knotted cords and hook over a door handle or some other fixed object. Then use one hand to hold the curtain tape and with the other hand start to pull the tape away from the door handle. You will see the heading on your curtain start to pleat.

How wide do you curtains need to be?

Next check what half the width of your track or rod measures. Lets say your track is 100 inches long. You half this to 50 inches, then add on 2 inches to allow your curtains to comfortably meet in the middle when hanging. So the finished width that you want to gather each of your pair of curtains is 52 inches. The more you learn how to hang curtains, the more this becomes second nature.

Before you hang curtains…stop and check!

Before you start to hang your curtain you need to lay your curtain down on a table or the floor and check the gathered width is about right. Then if to narrow then pull out the tape a little. If to wide then gather in the tape a little more.

what about the surplus cord?

Finally sorting out all that surplus cord and evening up the pleats in the tape. DO NOT CUT THE CORDS! The best solution is to bundle the cords up by wrapping them around all your fingers then tie a slip knot around the bundle. This allows you in the future to alter the header tape should you want to.

Once the cords are sorted out turn the curtain over. You need to look at the pleats and try and even them out. Just do it roughly at this time because when you come to hang them the pleats will move a little.

Last job before hanging your curtains

All most there, before you can hang your curtain you have to put the curtain hooks into the pockets on the back of the tape. On most standard pencil pleat tape there are 3 pockets top, middle and bottom.

How to hang curtains from a rod or pole

If hanging under a rod or pole put your curtain hooks in the top pocket. Also note the number of rings on your rod or pole. This determines the number of hooks you put in the curtain tape. As a rule of thumb you use less hooks on a rod or pole than on a curtain track. On a track put a hook ever 4th pocket and on a ror or pole every 6 to 8 pockets.

Hanging from a track?

If hanging from a curtain track then put your curtain hooks in the center or bottom pocket pocket. this allows the curtain to cover the track when closed. To decide which pocket to use try one and see what your curtain looks like hanging. If your happy then great do the other curtain. If not happy move the curtain hooks up or down to suit.

The 1st step when hanging

A lot of people say you should always start hanging your curtains from the ends of the track or rod and work towards the middle. I Disagree, I say you should always start from the middle and work outwards towards the ends. The reason I advise you do it this way is because if you have

too many gliders on your track or too many rings on your rod you can easily remove them from the ends of your track or rod. Where if you start from the outside in to the middle the surplus gliders or rings are locked in the middle of your track or rod. Meaning you have to unhang your curtains to remove them. Not much more now and you will have the basics on how to hang curtains.

Why do some advise to start from the middle?

The reason is on some tracks and rods, but mostly the corded kind. They have what are called overlap arms. These are short arms made of metal or platic with holes in for the last couple of curtain hooks on each leading edge of your pair of curtains (edges that meet at center of your window). Theses overlap arms allow one curtain to pass and overlap the other curtain by 2 or 3 inches. Thus giving you total privacy.

So what’s the big problem?

So where’s the problem? the problem is that these arms are not very strong. This means when you start to hang a medium to heavy curtain. Especially without someone carrying the weight they sag and twist or break completely.

Avoiding the problem!

So how do we avoid that when hanging from the center of the track or rod and working outwards. Very simple really, if you need 2 hooks to go in the overlap arm then count in to the 3rd hook and hook this into the first real glider or ring. Leaving the 1st and 2nd curtain hooks to just hang in space. continue hanging your curtain working from the middle outwards. That’s how to hang curtains my way (the best way obviously “wink”)

Then once you have reached the ends of your track or rod (removing any surplus gliders or rings). You go back to the middle and hook in the last couple of curtain hooks into the overlap arms. So avoiding putting to much weight on them.

Well I hope you have picked up a few “Tips” on how to hang curtains. This is just the first stage. Next is the “Dressing” of your curtains.

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Spiral Stairs

A new use for sewing machine needles

Spiros, yesterday a friend asked me to show him how to sew a button back onto a pair of pants. 

(I was happy to do so, being that I think men should be able to take care of themselves, not expect us women to stop our quilting to take care of petty things like mending!  A while back a rather well-known quilting friend of mine told me that her sister-in-law had asked her to take up a pair of pants, since she sews.  She didn’t want to do it — “I’m an artist,” she said, ”not a dry cleaning tailor” (or something to that effect) – so not wanting to offend the sister-in-law, she said yes, then dropped off the pants at her local dry cleaner and paid them to do the job.)  Anyway, back to the topic…

Since he was sewing the button onto a waistband, my friend pointed out that there needed to be some space behind the button to accomodate the thickness of the waistband.  I told him he was absolutely right, and looked around for something to put behind the button.  Usually I use a safety pin or a bamboo skewer, but you can accidentally sew a safety pin in, and in this case the skewer was too thick.  (Besides, neither of those tools stays in place very well, and I didn’t want him to get discouraged over this and shy away from doing it in the future.)  And that’s when I noticed a package of sewing machine needles.  PERFECT!  I stuck the sharp end into the fabric a bit below where the button belonged, so that the thick part of the needle sat right under the button.  It stayed in place, it spaced the button, it came out easily when he was done sewing, and the button had exactly the right amount of space behind it.

And that’s my first sewing tip for 2012.  Happy new year!  Happy quilting!

RaNae
RaNae Merrill Quilt Design
www.ranaemerrillquilts.com

The Spiromandalas Blog

More Mandala Honors

Congratulations go out today to Spiromaniac Betsy Vinegrad — her quilt Cosmic Spin was juried into this year’s AQS Quilt Show & Contest in Lancaster, PA.  Click here to read more about Betsy’s phenomenal design.

The Spiromandalas Blog

Nokia Asha 201

NOKIA ASHA 201 PRICE IN INDIA

Nokia Asha 201 Price in India is Rs.3500

Features of Nokia Asha 201 in detail:

GENERAL

• 2G Network: GSM 900 / 1800 – RM-799
• 3G Network:
• Status: Coming soon. Exp. release 2012, Q1

SIZE

• Dimensions: 115.5 x 61.1 x 14 mm, 47.7 cc
• Weight: 105 g

DISPLAY

• Display Type: TFT, 256K colors
• Display Size: 320 x 240 pixels, 2.4 inches (~167 ppi pixel density)
• Multitouch:
• Protection:

SOUND

• Alert types: Vibration, Polyphonic(64), MP3 ringtones
• Loudspeaker: Yes

MEMORY

• Phonebook Memory: Yes, Photocall
• Call records Memory: Yes
• Internal Memory: 10 MB, 64 MB ROM, 32 MB RAM
• Card slot: microSD, up to 32GB

DATA

• GPRS: Class 12 (4+1/3+2/2+3/1+4 slots), 32 – 48 kbps
• EDGE: Class 12
• 3G Speed: No
• WLAN: No
• Bluetooth: Yes, v2.1 with A2DP, EDR
• Infrared port:
• USB: Yes, microUSB v2.0, HS

CAMERA

• Primary: 2 MP, 1600×1200 pixels
• Otions:
• Video: Yes, 176×144@10fps
• Secondary: No

MORE FEATURES

• OS:
• Chipset:
• CPU:
• GPU:
• Messaging: SMS(threaded view), MMS, Email, IM
• Browser: WAP 2.0/xHTML, HTML, Adobe Flash Lite
• Radio: Stereo FM radio with RDS, FM recording
• Sensors:
• Games: Yes + downloadable
• GPS: No
• Java: Yes, MIDP 2.1
• Colors: Graphite, Green, Blue, Aqua, Pearl White, Light Pink, Pink, Orange

OTHER IN-BUILT COOL FEATURES

• SNS integration
• MP4/H.264/H.263/WMV player
• MP3/WAV/WMA/AAC player
• Organizer
• Voice memo
• Predictive text input