explosion

Last night there was an explosion at the house. It was me. I exploded. 

I volunteered at a 5K close by and since I wasn't going to see J and O, they met me for a few minutes at the park. I handed J my bag as I didn't want to deal with it. Fast forward to the race ending around 8, i have no purse, no keys, no money, no phone. When I got to our door I rang the bell. No answer. Well, J could be finishing up putting O to bed. Buzz again. Nothing. Rise and repeat for ten minutes.

At this point I'm annoyed but starting to panic. O's breathign has been terrible with all the humidity so I begin to wonder if a trip to the hospital happened. But wouldn't he leave a note on the door for me?

I decided to go to the diner a few doors down and ask to use their phone. J didn't answer. I went back to our door and tried again, for five minutes, to buzz and get an answer. 

I finally went and called again and he answered. He had been sleeping. He slept through my buzzing intermittently for thirty minutes. 

So then I get into the apartment and there are dishes everywhere. I asked if O's lunch was made for tomorrow. "no."

I lost it. We're both exhausted and stressed. Money is beyond tight but I had reached my boiling point. I'm working full time, yet still doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundering, lunch-making, family administrator, etc. If he were out all day he would never ask if O's lunch were made, if her bag was ready for camp the next day. Dishes wouldn't be strewn about. It would just be done.

There were tears. Pleas for help. 

It was hard. I could have handled it so much better. We are better for it this morning. We listened. 

Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Motherhood is hard. Remembering myself through it all seems to be the hardest for me.

Comments

[lana]

hey girl, i totally hear you! because we're good at multi-tasking, we end up doing everything. it's not till i freak out that my hubby will offer to cook, and it's usually only one day that he'll end up doing it. and because you've been doing it all, the other person just thinks, oh, everything's getting done--I don't need to worry. it's good that this happened so it opens up communication.

[kb]

Thank you, Lana. You're absolutely right, it's also nice to read I'm not alone.